I recently gave a presentation on organizing at home and one of the audience members asked me a question which I know is on a lot of people’s minds.  “How do I deal with my partner’s clutter?”, she said, closely followed by,  ”I want to throw it all out!”

It’s certainly true that one person’s junk is another man’s treasure. We are not likely to align completely with our partners in our perceptions of what has value.  We also respond differently to our physical environments, and with differing degrees of intensity. I’ve visited clients’ homes which are quite clutter-free in appearance, yet they claim to find their environment stressful. There is clearly no one “right” way to live, yet we sometimes feel that our way, is the “best” way. Sure it is…for you, but maybe not for your partner.

The first step in addressing issues is to have an honest discussion about what you want from your environment and how the current space makes you feel.  Both parties should feel free to discuss this. Be sure to avoid blaming or becoming defensive.

The ability to live together without conflict comes from the compromise and generosity evolving naturally from loving relationships.  If you find yourselves constantly arguing about your environment, it could be a symptom of larger issues worth exploring with a relationship expert.  If compromise goes too far you could be supporting destructive patterns.  Generally though, if cohabitants respect each other’s relationship to the space, different styles can coexist with minimal stress.

To improve your relationship as it relates to living in your shared space, create a detailed description of your space that suits you both.  For example, you both might agree that you’re aiming for a “lived-in” look, yet one person’s view includes items left out during the week, and the other gets stressed if things build for more than a day or two.  Hash out the discussion in each room using real examples.  Take note of the actions that will make your partner feel more comfortable.

Adding strategic organizing solutions definitely helps. For example, I’m a big fan of separate closets versus walk-ins for people with different definitions of ‘tidy’.

Sometimes one person is more naturally organized than the other. If approached with a giving heart, it can be wonderful to share your talents. Before rearranging another’s possessions though, it is important to have their permission.  If you’ve reorganized a shared space, explain what you have implemented so everyone is on the same page and can work with and sustain the new arrangement.

One of my clients wowed me by sharing the reason she had called to ask for help. Recognizing her husband’s natural organizing abilities and preference for an ordered space, and realizing she lacked those skills, she was motivated to seek help to create the home environment in which he would be most happy and relaxed.  That’s inspired giving!

On this fine February 14th, I wish you a day of joy for you and those you love.  Perhaps this post will inspire you to consider giving your partner the gift of their preferred environment.